From a friend, to a friend, by a friend
The following is a short story from a friend of mine who recently de-converted from christianity. He has a beautiful story of his difficult time waking up from religion and then coming out to family. I asked him to write this for my blog because he is a close friend to me and we both hope it may help someone else out there.
I have been asked by the proprietor of this blog site to give you my testament. It is not one of glory, excitement or even genuinely interesting…unless you like myself are having more than some difficulty continuing to swallow the God delusion.
I was a Christian for about five years. My life previous to this was one of staunch anti-theism. I never went out of my way to prohibit people of faith I was merely content to scoff and belittle any theist who approached me with the matter of said faith in hand. I lead the life of a typical teen. I joined the army out of high school and was discharged before completing basic for sustaining an injury to my back. I came home and began working for my father installing conveyor systems out of state. After work dried up with him I got my own place with a friend and began the inglorious work of dish washing for Uno’s. It is during my drug infused and beer sodden years comming from having a “bachelor pad” that I came to Christianity. This came as a result of some very unfortunate events that occurred in high school and would have a greater impact on my life than I could have ever imagined.
I became a Christian because of the testament of one my high school sweet hearts. We dated for about three months. Not long in the grand scheme of things but long enough to grow close; close enough to learn the gruesome details of her preceding relationship. Before we were dating she suffered brutally at the hands of her previous boyfriend who would constantly beat and rape her. For months she suffered in silence. Eventually a case was opened against him a restraining order was issued. The part of the story that changed my mind about God comes later, long after the two of us went our separate ways. She attended college at Nazareth and found a Christian group there. What they helped her do, in my mind is nothing short of miraculous. (Despite my dislike of the term I find that the faithful have copyrighted I will use it to grant my words a taste of irony and efficacy.) After connecting with this group and being a part for a period of time they helped her to let go of the hurt of her assault and she was able confront her ex and forgive him. She called me late one night after I had gotten out of work to tell me of her triumph over her fears and of the weight that had been lifted off of her shoulders. My jaw literally fell open. I was in utter shock. She explained to me how and why she had been able to obtain this peace of mind and clarity of life. Instead of clamming up and scoffing as I had been accustomed to doing at the mention of God or Jesus my thoughts turned instead to maybe there is something to this faith. I met my future wife shortly after all of this and she was able to answer my questions regarding the big G-man. After many long discussions and going to a few services I eventually came to faith and was baptized. My wife and I were married shortly after that and so began a lifetime of happiness, peace, love, and an eternity in heaven when it was all said and done. Well… so I thought.
Being so enamored with God the father I sought, as the bible “teaches” us, to tell the story of Jesus to as many people as I could. The people whom I tried most ardently to convert were my friends and family. I preached sermons and prayed with and for all of them on a fairly regular basis. I cast down my nets and quit one of my jobs in order to seek out the “Lord’s work”. The church I attended hosts a summer camp for which I helped repair, maintain, and lead. Either it was leading family groups with my wife or being camp manager I would plug in where ever I could find a niche. My wife had grown up in the church and her father has been the lead pastor for about thirty years. I was living the dream and doing my part to achieve salvation for as many people as possible. I had questions too. We all do. But what my faith told me to do was to leave the unknown to God go to scripture and your elders when you could. But in the end if you could not find the answer, you where not meant to and all you can do is trust all knowing all mighty God. In the end He would always know better than you, and you should have every confidence that He, being omni-benevolent, does all things for a greater good that you or I may never be able to know with our mortal and finite minds. It was exactly this seemingly insignificant chip in my spiritual armor that would be the undoing of this delusion.
My coming to reason is a direct result of meeting Mr. Johnson at work. During my years as a Christian I changed jobs often and even quit one in order to “cast down my nets” to go and do work for Jesus. After telling my wife that I quit my job for Jesus she broke down and cried but not with elation as had expected but with genuine grief. I was more than confused. It was my understanding that doing as the twelve did and as Jesus had done was something to emulate. I was wrong. This was one of the first falling outs my wife and I had. She as a woman felt betrayed by me as her provider. It took many long months arduous consolation to earn that trust back and to find steady work again. I was eventually hired at a manufacturing plant near our apartment. I advanced quickly in the company and would remain there for two years following. Shortly after I was hired another individual came to work in my department and that was the first time I had met Adam Johnson. He was a Christian at the time also and so we whiled away the hours discussing Jesus and his many teachings. One day, it was a Tuesday I remember this because I have bible studies on Mondays (I still do have them it is not a grammatical error.) and we had been talking about Jesus being all man and all God and I wanted his opinion on the matter when he told me that he no longer believed to which I responded, “Well… let’s talk about that.” And talk we did. Adam has even and continues to come to the bible studies hosted by a couple members of the church I used to belong to. But at any rate he asked me more challenging questions than I had ever encountered before and as a result my faith began to deteriorate. Not being able to sate my desire to know the answers to the questions he was posing was the most instrumental part of my mental reformation.
It all started simple enough. Questions like; what would you do if tomorrow you found out that what you believed in was wrong? Could you ever be wrong? Where did God come from? Why is what you think right when there are people in the world that think that what they believe is right with the same if not more conviction? How do you square the fate of past religions to your own? Questions like these are simple in manner but profound in meaning. Adam recommended and supplied literature for me to do my own investigatory work which I accepted with glee. As he recommended to me so I recommend to you Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan. An excellent book on how to learn to think critically it is now my first defense against bologna of which there is a tool kit of detecting in the book. After that I was on my way. I did not want to be separated from my faith. At one point I even told him that I became an atheist to gain further trust with him and planned on recanting providing he showed any weakness. He did not to say the least and I did eventually confess to him of my mildly devious plot. With more grace and honesty than any Christian I have ever met he forgave my trespass and was not in the least bit surprised. I have since done more research and read more books than I have ever done in my life up to this point. Through honest discussion and reason I was able to give up my faith but this as it turns out was not going to be easy.
The next part of my story comes months after my decision to give up Christianity. My wife still strong in her faith is the subject of my next section. We had had a turbulent relationship up to this point not unhappy overall but not the best in any case. Like most couples we have had our differences in just about every facet of our life together but one night would bring most of our world crumbling down about us. During one of our more verbal confrontations I became rather enraged and said something to the effect of, “Well if you only love me because of your mythical creature's sake…” And that was it. Nothing would ever be the same after that. I know we have all been at that teetering precipice of speech where we find ourselves willing to dangle helplessly over the edge in order to attempt in vain to collect the words spun by our tongues. But I would dare to venture that none have tried more ardently than I to gather those uttered words and stuff them back into the Freudian slit from whence they came. In an instant the mood changed and there was a palatable intensity in the air. The tears welled and the anguish came in torrents. Her world shattered in instantaneously I could see the pieces crashing and mocking me as they fell into the abyss. Helpless and alone she ran. My own tears formed and my cries were not without the most desperate pleadings of a soul to have its other half rejoined. I do not blame her and nobody could. I dare someone to have the one person they love most tear away years of trust and like mindedness in a subject that bears all the weight of an eternal being in one foul swoop. I impart this information to you in an effort to discourage you from making my mistakes.
With all of my being I hope that if you take nothing away from my writing take this. Be understanding. Be understanding of all people at all times. While I had effectively divorced myself of my faith my wife was and still is not ready to take that same step. Let love reign. Let love endure. Let love rest comfortably upon the pillars of your heart and at the forefront of your mind. You do not know everything and if you could you would choose the words you choose to speak much more carefully. You never know what somebody has gone through and there are no guarantees that you ever will. Be understanding of people’s faith. If you are like me and come from a background in faith never take for granted your experiences under that veil. Remember forever what it was like to be under that spell and sympathize with those you encounter who have not yet rid themselves of it. Be understanding of the fact that some people would rather live a comfortable lie than face the truth. Never forget that you could be wrong also. There are no assurances in life so be humble to that fact and let it shape you into the person you would like to meet. With all of my being I hope that if you take nothing away from my writing take this. Be understanding. Be understanding of all people at all times. While I had effectively divorced myself of my faith my wife was and still is not ready to take that same step. Let love reign. Let love endure. Let love rest comfortably upon the pillars of your heart and at the forefront of your mind. You do not know everything and if you could you would choose the words you choose to speak much more carefully. You never know what somebody has gone through and there are no guarantees that you ever will. Be understanding of people’s faith. If you are like me and come from a background in faith never take for granted your experiences under that veil. Remember forever what it was like to be under that spell and sympathize with those you encounter who have not yet rid themselves of it. Be understanding of the fact that some people would rather live a comfortable lie than face the truth. Never forget that you could be wrong also. There are no assurances in life so be humble to that fact and let it shape you into the person you would like to meet.
Take courage. I give you my testament so that you may yet find hope for yourself and for those around you. I also tell you my tale so that you do not feel alone. My only wish for you, fellow human, is that you live a life of prosperity and happiness free from the tyranny of religious dogma. My wife and I are still working on our differences and are stilled married with no end in sight much to my ecstasy. I hope that you can take courage from me and my story and uphold the standards of human dignity and reproach better than I did. Be sympathetic and be critical of yourself, your beliefs, and others and their beliefs. Be responsible with your life and the lives of those entrusted to you fore this life is the only one we have reason to believe exists and if we are not at every moment making an attempt to create a better life for ourselves and for those around us I ask you what is the point?Take courage. I give you my testament so that you may yet find hope for yourself and for those around you. I also tell you my tale so that you do not feel alone. My only wish for you, fellow human, is that you live a life of prosperity and happiness free from the tyranny of religious dogma. My wife and I are still working on our differences and are stilled married with no end in sight much to my ecstasy. I hope that you can take courage from me and my story and uphold the standards of human dignity and reproach better than I did. Be sympathetic and be critical of yourself, your beliefs, and others and their beliefs. Be responsible with your life and the lives of those entrusted to you fore this life is the only one we have reason to believe exists and if we are not at every moment making an attempt to create a better life for ourselves and for those around us I ask you what is the point?
